Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
