don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
