My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
