you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
