Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
