Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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