I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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