hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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