i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
