oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
