I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
