wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
