dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
