i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
