how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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