god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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