Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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