my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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