If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
