I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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