i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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