I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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