who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize