im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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