all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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