duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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