Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
