i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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