his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
