I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
