I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
