The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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