My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
