So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
