All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
