Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
