put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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