I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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