If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My boob is missing a layer of skin
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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