This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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