I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
