I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
