i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
