The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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