So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I cut my penus on the lid.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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