I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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