My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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