Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
