Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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