dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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