Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
