Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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